Holiday Cheer

I've figured out that there are two kinds of people in this world: Those that think porcelain dolls are creepy, and those that haven't been to my Grandmother's house. Take this particular doll for example:

For the life of me, I can't come up with any interpretation of this pose which does not include the doll uttering, "Look mommy, I brought you the severed head of Santa Claus."

Also, before realizing my grandmother was Tim Burton, I had previously strolled down the Christmas isle of a local mercantile and spotted this stocking for sale:

I don't know, is it!

Actually, the fact that the sentence ends in an exclamation point instead of a question mark means the stocking writer already knew the sad truth that it was indeed too late. Not because of any misdeeds of the buyer, but because a lonely porcelain doll had already beheaded Santa and presented him as a trophy to my Grandma.

Merry Christmas‽

Shocking!

This machine is, hands down, the most fun you can have at Disneyland for 25 cents. But, since these are Disneyland prices, this quarter-taking electric shocking machine is located in the Penny Arcade.

Beware of Greeks bringing gifts, and then storing their excess lumber on them

So, I was at my in-laws and decided to go for a walk. Imagine my surprise when this was in one of their neighbor's driveways:

It's a good 30ft tall, so I'd be very very concerned if I lived in Troy, California right now. Otherwise, this is the kind of trojan horse it's okay to have on your computer.

Passover Frogs

I received this picture from a friend today, and I'm still trying to understand its implications. The picture is of a pair of Happy Passover gloves that appear to have frogs on the end of the fingers, so I have to conclude it's supposed to represent one of the ten plagues of Egypt. Does this mean the other nine plagues also have Passover gloves associated with them?

I could see darkness gloves being easy to make, and probably locust gloves as well, but not many kids would want to wear gloves with boils all over them. And how would they depict the dead firstborn Egyptians on gloves? Ten little heads with X'ed out eyes on them?

Or are frogs now the Easter Bunny equivalent of Passover? Do they secretly hop around the world early Passover morning hiding toys and candy for for good little children while bringing famine and pestilence to the bad ones? I hope so, because that actually sounds awesome.

To the Retrieval-Mobile!

On my way back to the car from replenishing my supply of battle rolls at my local grocery store, I noticed this emblem on the vehicle next to mine:

I had no idea that shopping cart retrieval was even a career option! I always just kind of assumed the bag boy with the lowest seniority was sent out into the neighborhood, and came back either with missing carts or stab wounds. Now I know better. The guy who drives this truck was about 300 lbs of pure muscle, so no one was going to stop him from retrieving the carts he had piled up in the back of his truck. Plus, we all know "Independent Contractor" is really just code for "Hired Goon". That's also why I had to pretend to drop my keys in order to take this picture.

Please don't tell him where I live.

Battle Lines

A chill is in the air. Ahead, someone is staring at you, waiting for you to make a choice. A choice that could very well irrevocably alter your destiny forever. Lines have been drawn. Calves have been slaughtered. Now is the time for your decision. It all comes down to one question: Are you going to buy the strangest fruit roll-ups yet conceived, or not?


Yes! Batman Battle Rolls let you choose between good and evil with every bite! Simply choose if you would rather eat the hero or villain first, peel away the roll from the backing, and see if you chose the character with the higher hit points! It's like reading a comic book and playing an RPG at the same time, only without any annoying story interfering with pure battle mechanics! Also, Battle Rolls come in handy as the perfect analogy for the inner struggle between good and evil when writing your english, history, or media criticism papers - and they have over 5% vitamin C! Plus, the box makes it pretty clear Batman is ready to punch you in the stomach if you don't buy his products.


Note: Although I didn't actually see it myself, I'm assuming calves were indeed slaughtered at some point, since the meat department was fairly well stocked when I walked past it. So there was bound to be veal in there somewhere.

96 Days Later

A mere 96 days after starting, I have apparently completed my Jedi training on Wii Fit.

As you can see in the above picture, today I achieved perfect balance, even with my eyes closed. At this point, as a newly confirmed balance master, it is not unreasonable to conclude that balancing such things as my breakfast, California's budget, or the Force will seem like child's play. As opposed to the video game I just played, which is clearly rated "E" for everyone.